


Venting Ventures

by ZeeCatfish



Series: Untimely Fashion verse [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Illustrated Fic, M/M, Superheroes, general silliness, pesterlog fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-31
Updated: 2012-07-31
Packaged: 2017-11-11 02:32:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/473510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZeeCatfish/pseuds/ZeeCatfish
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One does not simply crawl into the Midnight Casino using the air vents. Unless one is a superhero.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Venting Ventures

da- ST wwould you stop actually askin me stuff im tapped to your fuckin feed for the sake a intervvention if necessary not to be your talk through  
and havvin to run to the bathroom to answwer your dumb useless questions is fuckin stupid just wwatch the rumors about me havvin some kind a bladder problem start up

dude i dont give a single shit about your bladder problems  
actually i do i encourage these rumours theyre hilarious now tell me why you get to change out of your suit into fancy infiltration clothes and i get to crawl through the vents in my super attire  
im going to be second time dusty gross edi- HOLY SHIT SWEET MAMA THERE ARE RATS HERE

im absolutely fuckin sure no one heard your little outburst there mister smooth operator and if they did wwho the fuck wwould think twwice about a fuckin SCREAMIN air vvent am i right  
davve  
ST you still there

stop blowing my cover asshole seriously eriblub and let a guy get his freakout on when he encounters the fucking ninja rat herd of doom just waiting to get their little teeth stuck on my exceedingly awesome supersuit only to find that yes second times suit is in fact rat proof

wwho is blowwin wwhose covver noww

im a dude in an air vent man eridan but im sure those rats will be pleased off of their hairy little bums to know that prince aquarius is actually called eriblub and not mister mcfancypants infiltrators undercover name number fifty twelve

my name is daniel hawwk right noww davve and im goin back inside and bet on somethin stupid again in the hope itll find our fuckin lead so STOP ADRESSIN ME YOU GARGANTUAN DICKHEAD

right right just leave poor old second time to crawl through the vents on his lonesome with as his only companions some ratty little bastards  
man have you ever looked a rat in the eye and just had it stare back at you with those creepy beady eyes im actually getting a little freaked out here

hello madam is this seat taken

oh you had better not be flirting with other girls out there aquarius

[](http://s143.photobucket.com/albums/r142/whizu/?action=view&current=VentingVentures1.png)

Feel free.

oh wait holy sweet mother of tits is that snowman why the fuck did you sit down next to snowman were here for spades slicks crownheist not to tapdance our way right into the little midnight crew vs felt murdermelodrama

Are you going to play this round, mister…

hawwk  
daniel hawwk actually pleased to meet you and i wwas thinkin about just sittin this one out to check out the competition

A wise move for a new face, I suppose. Though you lack in boldness in my opinion.

no you dont that was a good move your pokerface is about as transparent as that thin plastic film shit youre supposed to wrap around food except its way cooler to just wrap it around the toilet instead and watch johns pranksters gambit vanish into the sewers while his piss does not

thank you madam

youre not expecting her to dramatically reveal her name to you right here right now are you oh prince aquarius oh im snowman allow me to throw myself prostate at your feet and surrender  
shit dude babe honey darling why are there like twenty different vent shafts joining here why did i agree to this horseshit who thought up the plans what direction should i go in  
okay so there are only three point stands i need some help here

actually i change my mind i do wwant to place a bet  
im bettin on twwo

An interesting choice.

is it

wait that was a hint wasnt it youre telling me to go into the second vent why do i get the feeling this is the biggest gamble in the entire casino right now i mean shit man did you even look at the map of this place before you set up this whole hare brained scheme of yours  
of course i went along without complaining and asking too many questions because im just that great a boyfriend but come on bubble butt were just feeling in the dark here  
well im feeling in the dark while youre flirting with mafia ladies who have nothing to do with our mission while your faithful devoted anime husbando is listening and doing all the dirty work for you  
youre a bad person

It seems rather... sudden? A bet placed on the whim of an unexperienced gambler?

wwell isnt that the wwhole point a the entire gambling business leavvin your moneys fate to luck an all

Perhaps. However, many seem to have forgotten the entertainment value of the business and factor in chance and statistic. And from a statistic point of view two seems a rather unsafe bet.  
Oh.

i see a pretty heavily secured room babe i think we hit the motherload time to reel this baby in and deliver it back to its original owner  
itll make nice headline dont you think second time and prince aquarius retrieve priceless artefact from the midnight crews home base weaseling that bitch away right beneath their noses like a pair of raccoons on speed man those are some big damn heroes

wwell it seems like my unsafe bettin paid off huh

wait hold on you actually won something on the betting table too  
did you steal **we8we8** s luck for the day or something seems youre winning all around today  
but hey hate to interrupt your time alone with the creeper megalomeniac mafioso lady but i need you to distract pretty much every single soon to be literally poor soul out of the house of lets lose all our money to tableladies with a too low cleavage so i can crack this nice safe here think you can pull some amazing stunt or something maybe go crazy wave some guns around and say youre going to take everyones money  
or you could just turn towards the lady and grin showing off dem golden teeth you dont have and scream something about how you dont want to live anymore and how youll teach them all because you hid a bomb in the building and only you know where it is and then watch them crawl around in panic looking for your invisible wires

if youll excuse me madam im goin to the restroom for a bit

youre not honestly going to plant a bomb are you  
i mean seriously i can appreciate some dedication to the job but its a lot easier to explain a cover to the cops than some legit criminal crap and you know terezi im sorry i mean phoenix justice would be all over getting you jailed just to cackle at you while youre behind bars right

davve im not goin to plant a fuckin bomb or play out any a your other dumb scenarios do you evven fuckin REALISE that shit could compromise my secret identity  
im goin to change outside and then pretend to storm the front entrance and demand the stupid wwhite crowwn back so all a their goons wwill be preoccupied wwith me wwhile you actually get the thin  
wwhich reminds me to tell you that it had better actually be in there otherwwise this entire thin wwill go to shit and wwell havve to fight our wway through the entire buildin  
you knoww wwhat the press makes a buildins belongin to crime lords but that also havve some kind a public function getting burned to the ground itll get us sour looks for months

yeah man i know its like theyve never thought fuck that guy when they saw slicks dumb face and the good guys are actually assholes for taking that fuckin ace hangout where they could burn themselves through the little numbers on their bank account faster than an old lady on a prune diet with diarrhea can shit away from them  
really fuck those superhero guys for actually trying to make skaiaopolis a margin safer right

ewwww ST that wwas a terrible metaphor noww shut up for a moment so i can let my wwardrobifier do its job

i am sorry for disturbing your precious primping time princess

can you please not call me princess wwhile im on the job this shitty ass superhero names thin is bad enough wwithout people actually mixin them up

right so sorry about that ill save the pet names for the bedroom now can we get a move on i have my eyes set on that safe and the goons on guard duty are just waiting for me to pull my fancy ass moves on  
moves that will be lost in history forever because im going to be disabling those security cameras sorry priceless footage if i could save you i would

davve would you stop ramblin

not as long as im stuck on vent crawling duty i wont

just givve me a second to start a scene and you can get out a the damn air vvents you pussy it got you wwhere you needed to be didnt it

it got me where the rats are is what it did  
rats eriblub  
rats

i heard you the first time davve noww then please at least givve me a feww minutes do shake up some fuckin commotion before doin somethin dumb okay

who the fuck is doing something dumb now youre the one storming the building while both the midnight crew and snowman are in there

and youre the one wwho asked me to pretend i planted a bomb or act like a lunatic ST just quit doubtin me and let me play this out in a wway that wwont get me arrested

or dead

im not goin to get killed davve for fucks sake just be quiet for a feww minutes wwhile i stir up some chaos and then wwe can haul off our swweet loot into the night and brin it back to the fuckin castle like some lame goody goody chumps

man you are the biggest goody goody chump dont try to tell me otherwise

did you not notice the part wwhere i asked you to be fuckin quiet for a feww minutes

fine fine ill shut up now

davve  
did you just  
begin holdin your breath  
youre fuckin wwith me right  
davve you there  
oh ha ha i get it youre bein quiet fine im headin in

[](http://s143.photobucket.com/albums/r142/whizu/?action=view&current=VentingVentures2.png)

\---

 

With his cape fluttering behind him dramatically Prince Aquarius, one of the great heroes protecting our beloved city well appeared in the window above the grand Midnight Casino with much flourish. ~~Honestly, why can't superheroes ever just use the front door? Especially if the happenstance occurs where the door should be found right below their choice of entree? ~~~~~~ [I KNOW IT MUST BE TERRIBLy HURTFULL TO KEEP YOUR CEASELESSLY AMUSING COMMENTARY REGARDING THE LOCAL CONSTUME-CLAD PARADE OF MUSCLEBOUND, BRAIN DAMAGED DUMBFUCKS WHO HAPPENED TO FALL INTO A RADIOCATIVE VAT OF SUPERSHIT AND INTO WIBBLY WOBBLY SCIENCE MAGIC POWERS OR WHATEVER TO YOURSELF BECAUSE WHILE I KNOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THAT YOU HONESTLY BELIEVE YOU ARE HILARIOUS, THIS IS A NEWSPAPER. IF YOU WANT YOUR IMAGINARY TALENTS AS A COMEDIAN TO BE RECOGNISED YOU MIGHT WANT TO LOOK INTO A DIFFERENT LINE OF WORK.]

After what must have undoubtedly been hours of immaculate planning and much deliberating on strategies and different possible outcomes, poured over maps, cheap noodles, historical drama shows and homosexual oriented pornography [WHAT THE HELL LALONDE? JUST, WHAT THE HELL?] it appeared that he has chosen to engage the Midnight Crew head on, in their own territory no less. Needless to say his sudden entrance caused quite a commontion amongs the unfortunate commonfolk caught up in the brewing conflict, and the poor reputation of the Midnight Casino's hosts soon fanned the blazing fires of panic before any of the dastardly villains even dared hope to cross weapons with our noble hero.

But lo, this confusion was not an unfortunate and unpredicted flaw in lauded strategist Price Aquarius' designs but rather a favorable outcome, as it was not truly the Prince who was intended to take the spotlights of the heist but instead much admired superhero Second Time. These two exceptional supers who have in the past contributed much to the general safety of our streets by rounding up criminals and preventing unfortunate events like kittens starving in exceptionally high trees seem to have, against all odds, settled on a partnership. Their superduo's theme seems to as of yet remain undecided on however. ~~I suggest idiocy. In other news, they are also fucking.~~ [SEE THAT LITTLE SPLOTCH ON THE PAVEMENT ALL THIRTY FLOORS DOWN LALONDE? THAT IS WHAT REMAINS OF MY DELUSION THAT YOU MIGHT, IN FACT, POSESS SOME SENSE OF PROFESSIONALISM. I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOUR BEEF WITH ST OR PA IS, BUT KEEP IT THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR JOB. ON ANOTHER NOTE, I ASKED YOU TO WRITE A NEWSPAPER ARTICLE, NOT AN OPENING SCENE FOR SOME FICTIONAL SUPERHERO SMUT WITTEN SPECFICALLY IN THE PURPLEST OF PROSE.]  (Contrary to what you might think, Karkat, I do not in fact have any 'beef' as you put it with either of them. I merely wished to inform our beloved readers of the truth.)

While a surprising scene unfolded in the crowded casino area through the machinations of Prince Aquarius, Second Time infiltrated the underbelly of the villainous hideout found below and swiftly took out the nameless grunts secret and undenyably evil organisations such as the Midnight Crew tend to collect in great amounts without ever attracting the public eye while said grunts were distracted by the commotion after breaking and entering through the apparently grossly unprotected and human sized air vents.

Valliantly he liberated the White Crown from the claws of evil before absconding through the deserted hallways, paying no heed to the cameras who surely spotted him or the bodies of foes knocked unconscious earlier as he made his way to the main hall, the center of commotion. One can only assume Prince Aquarius never intended for his partner to join in with the mad scene that had played out there as strategically a secret break and enter to lift a priceless artefact out of a thief's den while one's partner creates a distraction sufficiently extreme to draw the thief's attention away from the sweet loot becomes rather pointless if the partner in charge of the stealthy bits decides to just screw it and barge into the distraction head on rather than sneaking off.

What he found however, was not Prince Aquarius dominating the scene or fending off Midnight Crew assailants but a three way battle involving a lot of guns, knives and toppled over gambling tables to be used for cover against barrages of pool balls and bullets. The third party in attendance was the Felt's very own Snowman, presumably also present to steal the much desired White Crown, for purposes equally vague as the motives behind the initial theft of the artefact.

At this point, the civilians had mostly cleared out of the building or taken to hiding in storage rooms and toilet stalls so Second Time could, without further hesitation fling himself into the shitstorm and kick some ass, in the process making the entire thing impossible to record chronologically. I would attempt to, but alas I seem to be short on page space and to give such a magnificent tale anything but the utmost carefully crafted prose would be doing it discourtesy. [YOUR BLATANT SOLLICITATION FOR A GENEROUS HELPING OF MORE PAGE SPACE TO POUR OUT YOUR GROSS AND HARDLY FACTUAL HERO FANFICTION OUT ON HAS BEEN SHOT DOWN WITH THE FORCE OF TEN MILLION SHITTING ELEPHANTS. JUST IMAGINE ALL THESE ELEPHANTS LOUNGING IN ONE VERY LARGE AND VERY HEAVY PILE RIGHT ON TOP OF THE INVISIBLE APPLICATION YOU DIDN'T EVEN BOTHER SENDING IN, SHITTING ON THE ILLUSION THAT MAKING VAGUE, THINLY VEILED INSINUATIONS IN A RIDICULOUS ARTICLE IS GOING TO GET YOU WHAT YOU WANT.]

[](http://s143.photobucket.com/albums/r142/whizu/?action=view&current=VentingVentures3.png)

So seeing as I have to cut this article short I will simply cut to the chase and inform you that Second Time and Prince Aquarius achived a glorious victory in the name of justice. They returned the White Crown to our much beloved monarchs, thus bringing an end to what can only be described as a troubled time for all of us.  [TROUBLED TIMES LIKE TIME SPENT READING THIS RUBBISH. AND THANK FUCK IT'S OVER.]

 

\---

 

wwhats so funny davve

[](http://s143.photobucket.com/albums/r142/whizu/?action=view&current=VentingVentures4-1.png)

here man look at this isnt it the most beautiful thing youve ever seen

> SUPERDUO UNTIMELY FASHION RECOVERS CROWN BY VENTURING THROUGH CASINO'S VENTING SYSTEM  
> 

>   
>  Will Second Time's costume be ruined forever? Cont. to p.4 to find out more.   
> 

untimely fashion  
really

yep  
shes outdone herself this time dont even bother denying it

i dont knoww wwhy people still alloww your sister to make up names for evveryone they get stupider wwith evvery time she pulls it

i know which is why shes perfect for the job

wwhatevver  
so wwhat did the article say about your costume and wwhether or not it could be savved

it didnt actually mention the costume again too busy fawning over the convoluted machinations of our glorious victory which reminds me is my costume ruined forever

its just dust davve itll wash out

thats good to hear  
now then lets get some chinese to celebrate a job well done  
i remember you mentioning you won us some money

**Author's Note:**

> This was my entry for HSO R1, which we also picked for our team entry. While this thing itself is just a silly thing meant to fit the prompt and the word restriction, it's given birth to a much more serious and complex AU, which I intend to revisit later on. 
> 
> Also, a more finialised version of Eridan's outfit as Prince Aquarius can be found [here](http://zeecatfish.tumblr.com/post/27580340358/this-is-the-final-concept-for-uf-verses-prince).


End file.
